These thoughts have come to me after recently losing a good friend.  When her husband called to tell me of her death, he was obviously teary, sad and bereaved as she was “too young”  he said.  A few weeks later when I called him he told me the evenings were the hardest as he was busy during the day and he expected to “feel better” by now.   I asked how long they had been together, he replied, “48 years”.  that’s almost a half a century.  I am here to tell you that the grief does not go away…in a few weeks and quite possibly never.  The deep and sometimes excruciating sadness lessens with time, however, from my experience, it never totally goes away.

In the past I have facilitated two grief support groups…and the folks that come relate various scenarios of their grief experience .  One woman who attended said that her husband had died 15 years ago and that his loss just now came barreling down on her.  He had died in his 40s leaving her with 3 children to raise, and needed to work full time. In order to stay together for her children and her work she never let herself feel the pain until she retired.  At home she went into his den, the door which she had shut those years ago, and the grief hit her full on.  So there is not time limit to grief.

Others tell of an incident, a song, a meal, or something that they shared and it triggers the tears and the sadness.  One woman said she was going through her husband’s golf  clubs to give away and she broke down sobbing —it had been a year since his death.

From my own experience when I lost my Dad in the Spring some 22 years ago, I had to settle his estate, sell his house, clean it out, put on an estate sale, find a reliable real estate agent, and meet with the attorney…before any of that I had to arrange a memorial service and a wake and bury him.   I was very busy working full time and he had lived 50 miles away.  So I put off the grief until late summer.  I went to his grave sight with a huge bunch of daisies and laid down and sobbed for 30 minutes.  It was a cleansing release as I had held it in till then.   Although I still miss his sense of humor and wisdom, the extreme sadness is gone…every once in a while though I have a little ache as I want to tell him about how our family had grown.

So I am saying there is no time line for grief.  Please do not listen to family members or folks who say you should be “over it” by now.  If you cannot find anyone to listen to your feelings or grief experiences, attend a grief support group.  They can be found by calling a Hospice office.  It is crucial to your physical and emotional health and well being that you find some way to release those feelings.