In my neighborhood, two men have recently lost their wives. One of them is making alarming choices. He put his house on the market (“it has too many memories of her”) and is moving 3000 miles away from his friends and hobbies to be near one his children. This adult child is still working and may not have the time for him. Although years ago he lived near where he is moving to, from my experience of listening to other widowed persons, it is not easy to make new friends in a city environment…and the memories come with you.

Grief is a process. Grief is physical as well as emotional and is often exhausting. There are mood swings. Sleep patterns are disrupted. There may be physical heartache as well…grieving is stressful to the body and to the mind. Go with the flow. Some days there may be wallowing with feelings of despair, deep sadness and depression. Releasing the pain and anguish is not erasing the memories. Too many folks think that holding on to the pain and sorrow, is a sign of caring. The opposite is true. by gradually letting go of the pain, allows the more pleasant memories to surface and become part of every day life.

Some people experience conflicting emotions simultaneously. I did. My Dad (Pops) was 94 and wanted to leave this world. I wanted him to stay in spite of his bed-bound status. However, driving the 50 miles to care for him every weekend was becoming exhausting and found myself wondering how long I could keep this up and work full time. Part of me wanted this over and then Pops would be gone, then I would feel guilty about my thoughts. So if you feel relieved that your loved one is gone and no longer in pain, and sadness, too, know that you can feel both at the same time. Conflicting emotions are part of the process and can be sorted out by talking to a trusted friend, clergy person, or joining a support group.

Just because someone has died does not make them infallible or godlike. Too often folks say he/she would have wanted it this way or putting the deceased on a pedestal and never mentioning some of their faults or the difficult times. That is not realistic and can hinder the release of some of the negative emotions that are part of the grieving process such as anger and depression.

As corny as it sounds, life goes on. And it is OK to laugh, to perhaps enjoy experiences that you may not have done before your loved one’s death. You may even find a special friend along the way who can become a companion or even a spouse. Sometimes life opens up to new ways of viewing the world and our part in it.