I recently had a loving husband come to my monthly caregiver support group. In discussing his wife’s dementia he mentioned that she had high blood pressure that didn’t seem to be responding to the meds. Then as he talked with others in the group who talked about what their loved ones liked to eat…preferences can change..he mentioning she only liked canned soup and frozen dinners…YIKES! Both of these are really high in sodium which can elevate blood pressure.

What to do? Look for low sodium canned goods and there quite a few on the market today…limit intake of these or make your own soup. It is really not that difficult. Use low sodium chicken broth, add vegetables (carrots, celery, cabbage, peas) and chopped chicken. A chicken thigh or breast can be simmered in the chicken broth before adding vegetables. Let chicken cool than add it after vegetables become tender…season with pepper or thyme. The vegetables contain sodium as does the chicken…however overall it will be much lower in sodium. than the canned or frozen goods.

Other preferences might include sweets..too much is not good for them either…look for lower sugar or no sugar choices.

Remember that their physical health is important too. If their physical health worsens it just makes caregiving more difficult for both of you. This is a difficult journey and can be very frustrating. Making a few changes along the way can ease the daily tasks.

Of course we can communicate every day…we talk, we respond, we process what needs to be done so to whomever we are speaking with understands.

However that changes when a loved one suffers from dementia. Whether the loved one lives with us or a parent, it is up to us to lessen their frustration by learning to communicate at their level of understanding.

As dementia worsens, the loved one will have a more difficult time understanding what you want of them. They may no longer have the ability to process what you are asking or follow through on an everyday task. They are losing their executive functioning. We become so used to speaking with our loved one in a rational way and yet they are not able to respond and become frustrated, which in turn frustrates the caregiver.

Learn a better way of communicating by contacting the Alzheimer’s Association near you or going to their website at http://www.alz.org. There you will find online classes to help you. It will take time and practice to learn and yet well worth it.

The Alzheimer’s Association has many educational programs both online or in person. Contact your local office for the schedule. I also encourage you to attend a support group. Take care. Elana

Does your parent have a much loved dog or cat? What would happen if your parent or older loved one had to go to the hospital in an emergency, then wound up having to stay there or move on to rehab?

Well this was the situation with a dear friend of mine who has a much loved little dog. No thought had been given if this friend should ever have to go to the hospital. Well last week she had an emergency and was taken to the hospital. At the time the best thing that could be done was to put the dog in its crate where she was left for almost 36 hours. Neighbors came by and let it out to eat or potty. Meanwhile their was lots of crying and whining by this small dog who when let out of her crate went from room to room howling looking for her human.

Neighbors and friends had no contact numbers for her children or anyone who would be willing or able to take the dog into their home as most had cats and of course we know how well that would go. When the son was finally contacted he came and took the dog to his home.

Please, my friends, have your parent or older loved one make “what-if” plans for their beloved pet. It is so hard on them when left behind when they have had 24/7 contact with their human. All is OK now however so hard on the animal who feels frightened and abandoned, especially if they were a rescue dog or cat.

Thank you for caring!

In my neighborhood, two men have recently lost their wives. One of them is making alarming choices. He put his house on the market (“it has too many memories of her”) and is moving 3000 miles away from his friends and hobbies to be near one his children. This adult child is still working and may not have the time for him. Although years ago he lived near where he is moving to, from my experience of listening to other widowed persons, it is not easy to make new friends in a city environment…and the memories come with you.

Grief is a process. Grief is physical as well as emotional and is often exhausting. There are mood swings. Sleep patterns are disrupted. There may be physical heartache as well…grieving is stressful to the body and to the mind. Go with the flow. Some days there may be wallowing with feelings of despair, deep sadness and depression. Releasing the pain and anguish is not erasing the memories. Too many folks think that holding on to the pain and sorrow, is a sign of caring. The opposite is true. by gradually letting go of the pain, allows the more pleasant memories to surface and become part of every day life.

Some people experience conflicting emotions simultaneously. I did. My Dad (Pops) was 94 and wanted to leave this world. I wanted him to stay in spite of his bed-bound status. However, driving the 50 miles to care for him every weekend was becoming exhausting and found myself wondering how long I could keep this up and work full time. Part of me wanted this over and then Pops would be gone, then I would feel guilty about my thoughts. So if you feel relieved that your loved one is gone and no longer in pain, and sadness, too, know that you can feel both at the same time. Conflicting emotions are part of the process and can be sorted out by talking to a trusted friend, clergy person, or joining a support group.

Just because someone has died does not make them infallible or godlike. Too often folks say he/she would have wanted it this way or putting the deceased on a pedestal and never mentioning some of their faults or the difficult times. That is not realistic and can hinder the release of some of the negative emotions that are part of the grieving process such as anger and depression.

As corny as it sounds, life goes on. And it is OK to laugh, to perhaps enjoy experiences that you may not have done before your loved one’s death. You may even find a special friend along the way who can become a companion or even a spouse. Sometimes life opens up to new ways of viewing the world and our part in it.

These thoughts have come to me after recently losing a good friend.  When her husband called to tell me of her death, he was obviously teary, sad and bereaved as she was “too young”  he said.  A few weeks later when I called him he told me the evenings were the hardest as he was busy during the day and he expected to “feel better” by now.   I asked how long they had been together, he replied, “48 years”.  that’s almost a half a century.  I am here to tell you that the grief does not go away…in a few weeks and quite possibly never.  The deep and sometimes excruciating sadness lessens with time, however, from my experience, it never totally goes away.

In the past I have facilitated two grief support groups…and the folks that come relate various scenarios of their grief experience .  One woman who attended said that her husband had died 15 years ago and that his loss just now came barreling down on her.  He had died in his 40s leaving her with 3 children to raise, and needed to work full time. In order to stay together for her children and her work she never let herself feel the pain until she retired.  At home she went into his den, the door which she had shut those years ago, and the grief hit her full on.  So there is not time limit to grief.

Others tell of an incident, a song, a meal, or something that they shared and it triggers the tears and the sadness.  One woman said she was going through her husband’s golf  clubs to give away and she broke down sobbing —it had been a year since his death.

From my own experience when I lost my Dad in the Spring some 22 years ago, I had to settle his estate, sell his house, clean it out, put on an estate sale, find a reliable real estate agent, and meet with the attorney…before any of that I had to arrange a memorial service and a wake and bury him.   I was very busy working full time and he had lived 50 miles away.  So I put off the grief until late summer.  I went to his grave sight with a huge bunch of daisies and laid down and sobbed for 30 minutes.  It was a cleansing release as I had held it in till then.   Although I still miss his sense of humor and wisdom, the extreme sadness is gone…every once in a while though I have a little ache as I want to tell him about how our family had grown.

So I am saying there is no time line for grief.  Please do not listen to family members or folks who say you should be “over it” by now.  If you cannot find anyone to listen to your feelings or grief experiences, attend a grief support group.  They can be found by calling a Hospice office.  It is crucial to your physical and emotional health and well being that you find some way to release those feelings.

As a caring woman you will need to learn to modify expectations, accommodate changes, and set boundaries to avoid caregiver burnout.  Setting boundaries in the context of caring for your parent means setting boundaries on yourself.  Doing this in a healthy way involves balancing love and generosity with self-preservation and knowing what you are offering is good enough.

Setting boundaries is not an act of selfishness, but one of caring for your parent, as well as for yourself and other members of your family.  Setting boundaries entails your recognizing and accepting what you realistically can and cannot do and then communicating this to your older parent in an empathetic and sensitive manner.

A few tips: More tips can be found in my book, Caring Women: The Good Daughter Syndrome  

1. Respect the dignity of your aging parent(s) when responding to their requests.
2. Agree to provide only those services you can manage gracefully and with good humor.
3. Let your parent(s) know that you care, even though you may not always meet all of their requests.

Has your parent or loved one recently received a diagnosis of dementia or another age related illness?  How do you feel about it?  Surprised, saddened or perhaps think this cannot be true…perhaps it is all of these.  The one that is considered dangerous is the latter which really is a form of denial.  When adult children or a spouse downplay the diagnosis, it poses a danger to the affected individual.  No one wants to think of losing their parent or spouse.

However by denying the symptoms of memory loss or thinking it cannot be Parkinson’s as there are no tremors puts the affected loved one at risk.  By refusing to accept the diagnosis you run the risk of getting improper care.  You need to have a realistic approach so they receive the proper care from professionals and you.  Learning about the disease and/or dementia will help both you and them.  It will also help you understand the process of the disease and what you will need to be the best caregiver possible.  Always remember that the affected loved one’s safety and security are paramount.

Watching the decline of a loved one can be an emotional roller coaster so you will need to learn to take care of yourself, ask for help when needed and “let go” as you cannot control the progress of the disease you can only give the best care possible for as long as possible.

If there comes a time when you think you may be over your head with the kind of care your loved one needs, then it might be time to consider an alternative for their care.  You are still the primary caregiver only now you can give the emotional support that is needed at this time.  After placing her husband in a memory care facility, a good friend of mine said “now I can be his wife again and not feel like a policeman”.

Caregiver Alert…yet again today encountered a woman who is struggling with the care to her parents who live over 200 miles away.  She is working and only able to visit on the weekends.  The parents are in their 90s and do not want to leave there home and do not want anyone else in the house.  There are caregivers with them 24/7 however they want her.  The dear daughter is living with stress and guilt.

She is not alone…she is on her caregiving journey.  Although some parent care situations are not solvable, this daughter can get support from attending a group with others who are on the same journey.  By participating in  support group she can lessen her guilt and perhaps learn better ways to cope with her situation.

For many of you caregiving a loved one with dementia, please realize that their social filters/controls disappear.  You will not here the please and thank yous.  And if your loved one was sarcastic, critical or accusatory, these traits will not necessarily go away.  In fact I have heard caregivers in my groups report that those unpleasant aspects of personality were exacerbated with the progression of the disease which makes the journey of caregiving that much more difficult for the caring woman.  Remember to take a break and be mindful of  the stress in your daily life…AND, find a way to “get away” from the responsibilities if only for 15 mins a day…more is recommended.

 

At last the book, I’ve worked on for several years is ready!  It can be purchased on Amazon.  The Title is: Caring Women: The Good Daughter Syndrome.  The secondary title is Parent Care with Less Guilt.    It contains text, stories and tips to make your caregiving journey less stressful.  By using the tips and following through, you can lessen your guilt and make this time in your life easier for you and your older parent.

I wrote it to help you as I have witnessed and heard too many stories of illness, both physical and mental, critical health issues, and even death trying to care for the older parent in unrealistic ways.  You will do yourself and your loved one a favor by reading and heeding what Caring Women contains.