Facilitating two support groups as I do every month, I hear many stories.  Although I’ve written about this before, that caregiving can be fatal (March 3).  Today, again, I heard of a woman who had a fatal heart attack, while caring for her husband who had advanced dementia.  No one could convince her that she could not do it all and keep on keeping on without some health consequences.

So I am asking you caring women out there to attend a support group.  At a support group you can learn about possible resources in the community that can give you a break, respite or a way to have a few hours for yourself.  Some resources may be no cost, or based on the ability to pay.  These groups are the way to start to find some help for yourself…and also a place to vent your feelings of frustration, hopelessness, and the gradual loss of someone you love.

Caring for someone whose mind is gradually fading away is sad and heartbreaking.  By attending a support group, you will find others like you that can offer helpful ways of coping and also who understand how difficult the situation is for you.  Because, as you well know, your family members might not always understand how much patience it takes to be with someone who asks they same questions over and over again.

Call the Alzheimer’s Association to find a support group near your town or city.

Lately, I’ve seen too many older folks driving and almost causing accidents by driving too slowly, not signaling a turn, or not stopping before turning right on a red light.  I had a friend tell me of a neighbor who is still driving with macular degeneration.  This neighbor turned into a one-way street going the wrong way and my friend and others say they are no longer going to drive with her.  By doing this it would shut the neighbor out from many social activities, which to me did not seem fair.  So I told my friend that in California she can report the neighbor to the Department of Motor Vehicles anonymously.    They in turn will send the reported-person a letter asking them to come in and take a written test and depending on those results, maybe a driving test. Think about this for your loved ones and those folks you think may be jeopardizing their safety and the safety of others on the road or crossing the street.   Report them before they cause an accident and seriously injure someone or even themselves.  It is the right thing to do.

As a facilitator of support groups, I recently had insight into why so often a person with dementia becomes resistant and uncooperative to directions from their family caregivers.  An attendee said her mother who lived with her for the past 5 years was becoming more and more frustrated and uncooperative.  Facing her own health issues, the caregiver had the opportunity to place her mother in a nice care facility.  The staff said how cooperative and nice her mother was. “Really”?, exclaimed the daughter.  Hard to believe and yet I realized that in a care facility, the staff can only ask or coax a resident to take medicine, bathe, or eat.  They cannot “make” a resident do was it is necessary.  The mother in spite of her dementia somehow knew that she had more of a choice living there, so she was less resistant.  Less directions, more cooperation.

This is not easily done.  Caregivers desire to give their parent/spouse the best of care and yet it often comes with way too many directions and these directions often come too quickly as the caregiver has other things to accomplish during the day.    Sometimes it may be necessary to just “let it go”…maybe hide the medicine in applesauce or cereal.  What ever is takes to make it easier for the caregiver and less frustrating for the person with dementia.

Caregiving Can Be Fatal if you do not take care  of yourself!  Yes, several studies have shown that caregiving to an older adult  can increase the risk of death or critical illness by 40% to 60%.   Wow, you might say!  Over the years, I have experienced many caregivers who jeopardize their health to caregiving.  The result:  high blood pressure, depression, heart attack, stroke, nervous breakdown, and even death.  Then who will care for the older loved one?  Taking time for yourself is a necessity when giving care. Determine what you need in the way of help, even the simple things, like picking up a prescription, bringing in a meal, or spending time with a friend.  Look to family, friends and community resources for help.  Attend a local support group and call the Alzheimer’s Association for a referral and other valuable information.

The Good Daughter is the woman who is trying to do it all and be a total success at everything to everyone in her life, often forgetting about herself. This means you put yourself at the end of the to-do list.  You may have a spouse, children, a career as well as your responsibilities to home and community.  However no matter how busy you are or how far you rise, at the end of the day, you bear the physical and emotional responsibility of your family.

Women have this in their genetic code, so their babies would be feed and cared for. Having this loving gene, can have them care too much.  Additionally, women are socialized to be caregivers.  Frequently male relatives or siblings get “the-knight-in-shining-armor” award from the parents although the daughter is the one

who takes on most of the care-giving responsibilities.  Also by being female, it is cultural.  When someone asks you why you do everything for your parent and keep on doing it, you may answer, “I am the daughter; I am supposed to do this”.

The caring woman does not seem to realize that it is OK to ask for or seek help. Maybe you do not ask because you are a good daughter and you want to be the one who makes everything “right”.  Many times you may go to extremes in your attempts to make others happy, feel better or stop complaining—and sometimes to win your parents approval.

Why are you trying to do it all yourself? Do you think it is your duty?  Do you think you are the only one that can give the “right kind” of care?  Are you afraid that your older adult will criticize or make your life miserable if you seek outside help?

If you think you can take on all the responsibilities of caregiving and not have affect you physically, mentally and/or emotionally, you are seriously mistaken. There are countless studies that show caregivers are more prone to high blood pressure, depression and illness that the older adult who is receiving the care.  Also the caring woman, the good daughter, has a 45% chance of becoming seriously ill or dying before the older adult who is receiving the care.

YES, it is true! If you keep trying to do it all without reprieve, respite or supplemental help from family, friends or paid care providers you will get sick and/or depressed. What happens is that the constant and ongoing care and stress compromise your immune system, which becomes depleted and wears out.  Many times you do not feel the effect until it is too late and the health crisis or illness comes crashing down on you.  Don’t fool yourself!  By trying to do it all by yourself you will affect your health and then you become the second patient.  Now who is going to give the care to the older adult?